What a difference a year makes...

Jack is sleeping soundly, and Raleigh and I are in bed, snuggled tight and ready for rest.  But this time a year ago was  a very different time.  May 26th, 2010 was the day that Jack had his open heart surgery and his surgeon inserted a BT shunt and opened his closed pulmonary valve.  All without using a heart lung bypass machine.  I don't think most people understand what a big deal that is, but as it was explained to me, it was a huge deal.  Jack was only 4 pounds at the time of his surgery and his heart was about the size of a grape. 

Remembering back on that day and its stress and fear, I have been very tender all day.  I cried when I saw him in his crib this morning and if he hadn't switched quickly from his joyful smile to his confused and fearful pout, I may have cried and rocked him all morning long.  But I didn't want to scare him.  This day was just another one in which he would play with Mommy, and try to grab Raleigh, and eat lots and lots of delicious new things, including a leaf that he found in the living room.  And that's such a wonderful gift for Jack.  He has no idea what danger he was in a year ago.  He only knows that today, like yesterday and tomorrow, are for enjoying and playing and loving.  That's a pretty healthy way to live, I think.  I continue to learn from him and hope he always has the same healthy outlook.

I remember all the scary times, and I know that the future won't be without setbacks.  I know that he will have another surgery soon, probably this year.  And I know that as my baby grows into a man, he will have valve replacements long after I am no longer on earth to make sure that the doctors and nurses have all the information about his health history.  And as I continue to struggle with the truth that I can't keep Jack safe, I am comforted by the progress he's made and the strength he has.  They warned me that he would be on the feeding tube for months, he may fail to thrive, may have significant developmental delays. 

But none of that was true.  And as I look at this baby who still doesn't hold his own bottle, I know it's not because he isn't able to do so.  It's because he doesn't want to.  Because he knows that Mommy will do it for him.  Because I spoil him.  And that's okay.  I'm going to keep doing it until he's ready to do it on his own.  I've pushed him to just keep breathing, pushed his heart to just keep beating, and he's done all the hard work.  So a little coddling is okay.  He's already stronger than most other people I know.  He's allowed to relax.  And so am I.

Below are two photos of Baby Jack.  The first on this day a year ago, following the heart surgery.  The other, today.  A year later and a world apart from that tiny, frail baby in the hospital.  And what a blessing it is!

 Happy Anniversary!
Maggie