The title of this week's blog post is the title of a poem by e.e. cummings, an american poet who frequently ommited punctuation, capitalized letters, or other expected features of traditional poetry. Being so very conservative and traditional ;-), I didn't care for e.e. cummings for a long time, but so much has changed since I've become a mother. I love this poem. It is certainly about a person, honoring the relationship with his lover, but as with everything I read these days, I can only see Jack in the words. The poem is printed below, if you'd like to read it, but essentially describes that the object of the voice's love is responsible for everything he does, and even is. Wherever the love goes, he goes; whatever he does, is only because his love has made it so.
I absolutely feel that way about Jack. I visited some friends last week who hadn't met Jack yet, and in all the swooning over Jack, one of the group looked at me and asked, "He completely changed your life, didn't he?" And he certainly has. I never believed anyone who told me that I would love my own child more than I could even imagine. I mean, for those of you who knew Jessie, the Jack Russell terrier I got in college, she was it for me. I loved that dog like a child. Or at least I thought I did.
I have to admit, I am often stunned, and even scared by the powerful feelings of love that I have for this child. Many times, after Jack has screamed and cried for an hour or more, and I can't see how I can do this one more day, he will settle, and fall asleep. And very shortly, the stress and anxiety from moments ago fade away, and I am awash in feelings of love. I look at his sweet, sleeping face and catch my breath, as the tears well up. He's just so perfect. Even his heart defect was perfectly matched with my temperment and organization. Perfect.
And so it is, that as I move through life, I am always acting as if Jack's heart is within my own. For if it is truly possible to have a soulmate, Jack is mine. I feel as if he can feel my happiness, my stress, my anguish. I fear no future for myself; as long as he is in it, I am eager to meet it. And it is the truth of truths, the greatness of the sun and moon, and the future I see: Jack is mine, and I carry his heart with me. I carry it in my heart....
i carry your heart with me
e.e. cummings
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Photo: Jack following an hour or more of screaming. Sweet, quiet snoring and the face of an angel. Does it get any better?
Oh, how precious this is.......
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet, sweet poem! It does fit you and Jack to a tea. Maggie you just amaze me more and more every day. I remember when we use to talk about you not wanting a baby but then wanting a baby and I would tell you that you would do great and that you should have one. I knew you had it in you. You are AWESOME! Jack is AWESOME!
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