Hey! I'm here, too, you know....

January 23, 2011

If you'll notice, the title of this blog is "Maggie and Jack."  But as you'll also notice, most of the posts are about our dear boy, Jack.  He has seemed to monopolize the blog, much as he has my life.  And for the past nine months, that was completely as it should have been.  I have taken brief respites here and there for a doctors appointment, or a solo visit to the coffee shop, but in great, large swaths, my life has been turned over to Jack and his needs.

All over the world, there are women and mothers who give everything they have to the love and caretaking of those in their lives.  And from firsthand experience, I can tell you that there is no greater joy, worthy calling, or exhausting, thankless job.  But in the long term, I, and these women begin to lose something of themselves.  We become "someone's something."  I have become "Jack's Mom."   I am no longer Maggie, the MBA in marketing, or the sales rep who grew sales in her territory by X%, or the go-to gal for writing SOP's or job descriptions.  I am someone's something.

That is all changing.  I know, in my heart, that in order to care for someone with special needs, I have to take care of myself, as well.  There's no one here to back me up if I collapse from fatigue, or injure myself.  No one to get up in the middle of the night if Jack is crying, or in the morning with him, so that I can sleep late.  I haven't slept late in over nine months.  So in order to make sure that I don't lose me, I am "Bringing Maggie Back."  I will again be known as Maggie, (insert awesome knowledge, skill or ability here).  I will always be Jack's Mama, but I also need to be my own person.  It'll make me a far better mama.  It already has.

Since the beginning of the year, I have been making big changes in my life.  I have found a sitter to keep Jack so that I can go to work a few hours a week, alone.  I am working in an accounting firm, and have been able to focus on my projects, completing them more rapidly and with better clarity.  This feeds my need to be focused and capable.  By exercising my mind, outside of reading children's books (which are really boring after the 27th time you read them) I am excited about work, and learning again.  I will gradually increase the number of hours we are apart, so that I can work and not have separation anxiety.  I know I'm not the only one who can keep Jack safe, but my gut hasn't gotten the message yet.

I have also begun running.  This is something I never thought I'd ever do.  Who runs for fun?!?  You run because a bad guy, or an animal is chasing you, right?  But I absolutely love it.  I have had a recurring dream for years.  In it, I am running.  I am running in a city, in the country, all over the world.  And I feel free.  I never feel tired, or winded, and I'm always enjoying the dream.  So I thought I'd give it a try, and aside from the wonky gait and chest searing shortness of breath, I am the beautiful vision in my dream.  I even bought cute new shoes (which a running expert fit me for ;-) and a matching headband.  I am training for a 5K now, and hope to combine my philanthropic efforts and running in the near future. 

Jack has also been "sleep trained."  Two weeks ago, Atlanta had an ice storm and we were shut-in for several days.  Since I had nowhere to go, I decided that after a lifetime (his-actually, mine-seemingly) in my bed, it was time for him to begin sleeping in his.  I braced myself for hours, even days of crying, on both sides of his bedroom door.  But this amazing creature took to it like a fish to water.  The first night, he took about an hour and a half to finally fall asleep.  I'd let him cry for 10 minutes at a time before going in and soothing him.  Then he woke up twice during the night.  The next night, he took 20 minutes, and the third night, he took 4 minutes.  FOUR MINUTES!!  Now he is regularly going to bed at 7pm, waking for a bottle sometime before midnight, then sleeping until morning.  This has given me back HOURS of my life!

So there you go.  It is a start, and I have big plans for the rest of the year, too.  You only have to start somewhere in order to make a huge change take place.  And me being me, I have a big list of things I want to do, and how I can get them done.  I think 2011 is going to be one of Maggie's best years ever.

Love
Maggie